My God I am proud of him. He is an incredible human being – intelligent, kind, compassionate, great sense of humor, understanding, inquisitive, adorable – everything you want your child to be.

I remember back to being pregnant with him. I was terrified. I’d already lost one child and had difficulties getting pregnant. It wasn’t easy – those 9 months. During delivery, he and I were both on the brink of death at different times. But somehow, we came through it.

I swore – if I never do another thing right in my life, I will be the best parent my son could ask for. I would raise a child into the best adult he could be.

Somehow, I’ve done it. Through death, alcoholism, divorce, and moving across country, I’ve somehow managed to give him the guidance and love necessary to help him keep his head on straight.

I am so very lucky.

My son loves and respects me as I do him.

I’m slowly learning to let go and it’s hard. But I truly believe he was never mine to hold onto in the first place. He is meant for something much greater than I can imagine and he was only given to me to help him prepare for whatever comes his way.

I am honored to have been chosen his caregiver during his early years on this earth. I am honored to be able to stand beside him through his years of growth and education. And I am honored to be lucky enough to hold onto his heart as he branches out into this world.

Happy Birthday Sean – may you continue to grow and nurture your heart as well as your intellect throughout your life, and may you always hold onto a piece of your childlike enthusiasm and joy as you grow into the man you were always meant to be.

I just hate this frustration. I hate failure and I think that’s why I’ve stayed at this weight all these years. If you don’t try, you can’t fail.

I know. I know. You can’t succeed either. But you can float on knowing that no change is simply things staying the same.

What am I so damned afraid of?

Come to find out, I’m afraid of a lot of things. I know I will look older when I lose weight. How do I know this? Because I’m 50 and I know how we develop jowls in my family and how the neck sags and the skin hangs. If I had hit 50 without the excess weight – I would have been better off. But no. I’m 70 pounds overweight and it will show when I lose it.

Am I really that vain?

And dating again.  It’s bad enough being fat and thinking of getting naked with someone new…but how bad is it going to be when I lose the weight and not the skin? How ugly is that going to be? I’m already horribly self-conscious about being naked…being thinner isn’t going to change the way I feel when I’m naked.

And no. I cannot afford surgery. That is completely out of the question. I hear the contestants on BL talk about their desire of love. Me too. I was married 23 years – and my ex went through my pregnancy with me and loved me and my body when I was skinny and when I almost died giving birth. He never seemed to have an issue with my weight and body image after that. And I got comfortable with it. And I let it go. He was fine, and I didn’t have to work at being beautiful.

But…a new man? He deserves better. And I’m not sure I can give him that.

So I stay fat. And I don’t date. And I stand back and love a man who will never know from afar. Because it’s safer that way.

These are the issues I need to deal with before I succeed at weight loss.

How the hell do I do that?

But no, that is not how it ended up last night.

Instead, we had another orthodontist appointment and … the dreaded pictures/update/finance review meeting.  I was scared. I knew we owed another $2,600 on my son’s mouth and I was slowly panicking as to how the hell I was going to come up with that amount.

I knew my insurance had upped their coverage to $2000 – but, alas, they had already paid their total share. My ex’s insurance, I believe had already paid $1,500…but he has new insurance – so, I’m not sure how much they will pay.

Still – $2,600 is a daunting figure and I was scared.

The meeting with the dentist went well. Teeth are lining up very well, expansion is done, teeth have been brought down and aligned, and even his wisdom teeth came in and lined up thanks to the braces. Not much can be done for his jaw (he has a “deformity” in where one side has the normal 45 degree angle and the other side is much, much straighter – not that you can really notice…) but it looks like he may be able to avoid surgery in his adulthood.

Yep. Braces are coming off in 3 months with a near perfect set of teeth. Yay! He wants beef jerky and a monster candy coated apple for celebration.

I’m freaking out trying to figure out how to pay off $2,600 in three months.

And here comes the miracle.

The financial wiz comes into the office with new paperwork. They are willing to waive $1,850 if I can pay $250 each month for the next 3 months. This will include the completion of the braces and retainers.

Oh. My. God.

I jumped and said yes. I will skimp and do what it takes to pay $750 instead of $2,600. Simply amazing.

Simply a miracle.

So…do I feel bad about not getting to the gym yesterday? A little. But when I realized that I had an earth shattering miracle happen and my life went a wonderful direction last night then … no. It’s all good.

Maybe, just maybe, life is really looking up for me…

The point is that I did it.  That may not seem amazing to most people, but for me it’s huge.  Now…tonight, my plan is 16 minutes on a bike, then hit the weight machines. I need to figure out how to use them, but I think I can manage. How difficult can they be? The question will be how much weight to use. But, I believe this plan falls under “cross training” right? Then Wednesday, I’ll repeat the treadmill, Thursday XT, Friday treadmill, saturday – maybe I’ll take a break, then Town Lake (3.5 miles) on Sunday.

Rinse and repeat.

Every day I just need to do a little bit at a time. One Day At A Time. And I’m not even an alcoholic. But if my ex can sober up and stay that way for over 3 years, then I should be able to manage working out, just a little bit at a time.

And then there’s the other parts of my life – the confusing parts of my life.

My son’s birthday is coming up and I set up a great party for him. Problem is…

not everyone can make it. Specifically 2 girls. He was going to be “okay” with losing one of them…but the second one? nope. So we are now trying to change the date – hopefully push it out one week.

And I can managed that, then my “friend” will tag along (assuming it’s his weekend with his daughter – girl #2 who is really #1 LOL). I would love spending the afternoon with him. But it’s funny – my son is totally confused by the daughter and I’m totally confused by the father. I believe they are cut from the same “mixed signals” cloth. What they say and how they act are two different things.

Both my son and I are empathic – so maybe if we were “normal” it wouldn’t affect us as much as it does. But we aren’t and it does and we spend our time in limbo.  Not necessarily a bad limbo – but our hearts are twisted up in knots.

We both try to look at others, and try our hands at different relationships…but, we both end up falling back toward the father/daughter team. It’s who we are both comfortable with.

It’s annoying as hell. But…we both think that…if we hang in there long enough, things will evolve our way.  If not, because we are both still keeping ourselves open to others, then maybe someone will swoop in and rescue us from ourselves.

I never expected to be going through the same “lovelorn” experiences as my son at the same time. Life has definitely changed. He’s grown up. And we commensurate our dating woes together.

How bizarre.

No wonder I need to become more active – maybe I won’t fixate on one person – or that hole currently in my life.

Maybe…if I focus on this 10K goal, life will just come around on it’s own.

Let’s hope.

can I get the eating figured out? Not yet. I’m trying, but I don’t have my whole heart into it. Probably because in the past when I’ve jumped in enthusiastically, I’ve given up and given in.

Now, I’m just trying to find a balance. What am I capable of REALLY doing that will also include eating better.

I keep saying slow and steady wins the race…but sometimes I wonder at 50 how slow can I really go to still get ahead? That’s the hard part. That’s the scary part.

On the plus side – I walked 3.5 miles yesterday is preparation/training for the 10K in April. Next week, of course, two of my partners want to go all the way for the 6 mile loop. Of course, the one pushing it is 11 years younger than me and 40 pounds lighter. She’s also much more active than me. I sit on my butt all day at work. Barely get any exercise in. No – I think pushing for the six mile will defeat me this early on. Doing 3.5 miles is excellent. I can’t forget that, nor can I see it as a failure. So…no. I’m going to do my 3.5 and meet up with them at the end of the trail.

Now…it sounds great that I did so well right? I ate like a pig yesterday and just sat around afterwards. ARGH! where’s the balance???

Today…is technically day one of my training for the 10K. According to my schedule I need to do this: Mon – rest; Tues – 25 min walk; Wed – 25 min bike; Thur – 25 min walk; fri – rest; sat – 25 min bike; sun – 2 mile walk.

This is my goal. Get active. I’m sure the eating will fall into place. But this time around (cuz you all know we’ve done THIS before!) I’m starting with activity.

Wish me luck!

Some how…

I got talked into committing to a 10K race on April 11. And all because I got weak and posted on my Facebook status that this was going to be the year I did it. I grabbed hold of my weight and threw it out the window. Yep. This is the year and I wanted to put it out there so I could be held accountable.

Damn if people didn’t take me at my word!

So … things were said, suggestions made and now I’m committed to walking (not running thank God!) a 10K.

I can do it. I know I can. That’s not the problem.

The problem is I’m a lazy ass and I don’t want to do anything. I can sit back and wallow in my fatdom and blame my weight. Year after year. It’s not my fault, it’s because I’m fat. It’s not what I really want, but I’m not sure if I can live skinny again. Then I won’t have any excuses. I’ll have to step up and take responsibility for myself.

And now…people are counting on me. I’m part of a group. They are even driving 60 miles RT to walk Town Lake with me on Sundays. I have to do this.

So…

Why am I so scared?

Why am I looking for an escape plan already?

What the hell is wrong with me???

I also did my second day on BL Wii – WTF??? I can’t even do flipping push ups! What a loser! Seriously…I was supposed to do 3 circuits of planks and push ups…I managed 2 circuits of planks and 1.5 of push ups. The rest of the time I did knee bends. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up because at least I did something. I just feel so out of shape and uncoordinated.

Okay. pity party over. Back to it. Today is a new day. Subway is on the horizon as I think I need to chow down on something more substantial than whatever it is I’ve been eating.

I’ll let you know how I survive.

Tonight is the start of the Biggest loser. I need to remember, if a man that weighs over 500 pounds can survive time on the ranch, I can drag my fat ass in front of a TV for 30 minutes and attempt to punch the air and do push ups.

Argh!

So yesterday…I had chicken nachos at Freebirds for lunch. The only thing I had eaten that morning was an english muffin with butter. and I didn’t eat dinner. So I’m hoping it wasn’t too disastrous. At least I can control most of what they put on the nachos…so I had black beans, white chicken, and – of course – queso. I haven’t had the guts to look up the nutritional value, though I imagine it can’t be all that bad (though not all that good either!).

The day before? I justified a “tiny” scoop of ice cream from Amy’s because I had a huge spinach salad at the movies. Though I also had 2 guiness… ever hopeful…at least I’m consciously eating and not totally overdoing it.

I’ve only worked out on the Wii once … but plan on doing it again once I get home from work. I should be in “move” mode so … all might work out. It’s just that once I sit down, it’s all over. I need to work on that.

So…here’s to a fresh start, a fresh January, and a thinner me in the future.

I’ve started the New Year challenge at 221 and have weighed myself every morning with 221 being the constant weight. Next official weigh in is friday the 8th. Can I do it? Can I be under 221???

Dear God I hope so.

Nothing changes.

I’m hung up on someone who cares about me but not for me – yet he’s always there when I need him.

And I need him – but I need more than he’s willing to give. Yet I keep thinking maybe he’ll figure it out and chose me.

Isn’t that the sign of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result? Nothing has changed in 10 months – yet I keep thinking I can bring it back around to last December. When he wanted me to be loved. And he was willing to lead me back into the pool reminding me of what the water was like…

Then he just let go of my hand and floated away – all the while feeding me encouragement to reach out and see what I could grab.

I’ve reached out. Repeatedly. And there’s nothing out there that I can find that I want to grab onto. I would if there was. I really would. As much as I want him, I’m too damned old to wait – so I would love to grab onto someone else.

But they aren’t there. And I don’t know why. So…I float back to him. Over and over again. Even when I try to float away, he finds a way to bring me back into his current. But…that’s all. I’m just in his current – where he has control. Though he says he doesn’t want control.

I’m just another mom on the team. A parent at the school. A friend. Yet, we’ve done and said things that I’ve never done or said to another mom or dad on the team, another parent at the school, to just a friend.  I can’t imagine he’s done these things either. Only with a girlfriend or his ex-wife.

Oh God. See? Same shit different day. It never changes.

This is why I want to grab on to someone else. Maybe someone who wants me in their current – actively wants me there. Will admit he wants me there. And isn’t afraid to deal with me being in his current.

I’m not that scary.

I’m not that needy.

And I’m not ready to roll up into a ball and roll away.

Now that I’ve established that I’m simply fat because I’m afraid of dating – of stepping back out into the single world? What do I do that will work this time as opposed to what I’ve done off and on for the last 4 years?

Let’s try self-hypnosis. That has to work. I know what to do food-wise though I’m not currently doing it. I also know what to do activity-wise – I’m also not doing that. So how do I not do what I’m supposed to do activity-wise when it’s just down the trail at the main house of my apartment complex.

Yep. One of the reasons I chose this place. They have a wonderful gym…treadmills, bikes, elyptical machines, and nautilus weight equipment. I’ve used it once in 8 months. Time to get my ass in gear. Time to do what I should be doing.

So…it’s time to use all my knowledge and put it to good use.

Maybe now it’s time to lose the weight that I’ve hidden behind for 10 years.

Maybe now it’s time to get my life back.