I know it’s too early to give up.
I just hate this frustration. I hate failure and I think that’s why I’ve stayed at this weight all these years. If you don’t try, you can’t fail.
I know. I know. You can’t succeed either. But you can float on knowing that no change is simply things staying the same.
What am I so damned afraid of?
Come to find out, I’m afraid of a lot of things. I know I will look older when I lose weight. How do I know this? Because I’m 50 and I know how we develop jowls in my family and how the neck sags and the skin hangs. If I had hit 50 without the excess weight – I would have been better off. But no. I’m 70 pounds overweight and it will show when I lose it.
Am I really that vain?
And dating again. It’s bad enough being fat and thinking of getting naked with someone new…but how bad is it going to be when I lose the weight and not the skin? How ugly is that going to be? I’m already horribly self-conscious about being naked…being thinner isn’t going to change the way I feel when I’m naked.
And no. I cannot afford surgery. That is completely out of the question. I hear the contestants on BL talk about their desire of love. Me too. I was married 23 years – and my ex went through my pregnancy with me and loved me and my body when I was skinny and when I almost died giving birth. He never seemed to have an issue with my weight and body image after that. And I got comfortable with it. And I let it go. He was fine, and I didn’t have to work at being beautiful.
But…a new man? He deserves better. And I’m not sure I can give him that.
So I stay fat. And I don’t date. And I stand back and love a man who will never know from afar. Because it’s safer that way.
These are the issues I need to deal with before I succeed at weight loss.
How the hell do I do that?
